Alhamdullilah. Allah knows best.
The last night.
Alhamdulillah. Allah knows best.
I waited outside the ward for the nurse to finish her work. From the ward corridor I looked up to the sky yet again. How enormous and brilliant the sky is and how small and insignificant the person that is me. Standing up, feeling so utterly small, looking up to the sky I prayed again to Allah. I never felt this close to Allah. I am so thankful that in my desperation for Amru I was given the good fortune to experience such closeness to Allah. Here I prayed for His mercy and for Him to provide us with the best of taqdir, in all humbleness I declared to Allah that I will leave everything to Him. I will accept anything and everything from Him. I know He knows best.
Shortly after I looked on my right and saw a specialist walking towards the ward. It didn’t occur to me that she is here to perform her last attempt on Amru. She enters the ward. I get a grip of myself and went to the entrance door of the ward. It is a glass door. I want to go into the ward to be beside Amru again. But I am prevented from doing so.
From the glass door I saw Amru is surrounded by the specialist, medical officers and the nurses. They are performing some work on him. They looked somewhat serious. I was slightly surprised at the situation and at the same time having a feeling of understanding that this is something that is not going to be good for me. I decided to stay on at the glass door and watched Amru from there. I shouldn’t go in I know, even if I go in to be near Amru the staff will surely asked me to wait outside. Overly concern mother is no help to them. I remember watching everything and keep telling myself to be ready for anything, “be ready Faznita, be ready….”.
Sadly their attempt was not successful. So here I am beside my dearly loved son as he approaches the last few minutes of his life. I continue to whisper the zikir Laillahaillallah in his ear and hold on tight to him as I possibly can. And here is where I stop. I couldn’t continue with the experience in further detail. Just that when the medical officer in charge confirmed Amru is no longer I felt so unbelievable. When I did absorbed the reality all I manage to say was Allah Hu Akbar and instantaneously I felt so shrunken with defeat. If you lose a cup you might be able to try to get the cup again some at other time but in my case I will never be able to get Amru back, not here, not in this dimension of time. I can only get to be with Amru if Allah finds it fit for me to do so later in some other time and place.
Allah knows best and with His ultimate and supreme knowledge He had decided that what is best for us and for our much-loved Amru for now is to be on separate ways. We shall remain here in this transitory world until our time is up while Amru the apple of our eye will carry on to a better place. A place where Allah swt. very well knew that my Amru will be most happy at – His Paradise. Amru ought to be there, Allah had created him so fine, so blissful that here is not fitting for him. I realize.
From that last moment until many days passed I was worn out by the feeling of defeat, sorrow and mostly the yearning for Amru. At present I still have the same feeling but I try to manage it with the promise of Allah that if we continue to do good we will be reunited again with Amru at a much much better place than what it is of this world. So continue to do good I shall. I shall jihad to make myself and my family members be fitted in the eyes of Allah to be with Amru again in His glorious paradise.
I am Faznita your humble and poor servant, Ya Allah. I succumbed to your decision, Ya Allah. I will continue to say Innaa lilaahi wa innaa ilayhi raaji‘oon. Allahuma ajurnee fee museebati wa akhluflee khayran minha, (Indeed we belong to Allah, and indeed to Him we shall return. O Allah reward me for my affliction and grant me with something better than it) as what was taught to us by Your messenger Prophet Muhammad s.a.w . Prophet Muhammad s.a.w has told us to carry on saying this when we are afflicted by calamity. I am now afflicted with such great calamity Ya Allah. The apple of my eye is no longer here with me. Please let me remain strong and calm and please compensate me with something better than what I have lost.
Some glad tidings.
Throughout our most difficult times there have been individuals who have provided us with the greatest of help, support and prayers.