Arwah Amru Fateh Bin Mohd Ashik – a gift from heaven, to win back in heaven

Alhamdulillah.   Allah knows best.

Let me begin the story about my late son arwah Amru Fateh Bin Mohd Ashik, with a hadith.  A hadith that has come to be very significant to us with the recent occurrence in our lives. A hadith in which Al Tirmidzi narrated that the Prophet Muhammad s.aw. once said:   

“When a person’s child dies, Allah says to His angels, ‘You have taken the child of My slave.’ They say, ‘Yes.’ He says, ‘You have taken the apple of his eye.’ They say, ‘Yes.’ He says, ‘What did My slave say?’ They say, ‘He praised You and said “Innaa lillaahi wa inna ilayhi raaji’oon (Verily to Allah we belong and unto Him is our return).’ Allah says, ‘Build for My slave a house in Paradise and call it the house of praise.’

Innaa lillaahi wa inna ilayhi raaji’oon.  Amru Fateh the apple of our eye had been taken away by the angels to return back to Allah his great Creator on a bright Sunday morning of  7 Zulkaedah 1433 (23^rd of September, 2012) at 10:45 am.  He was 3 months 18 days when we lost him. I praise You Ya Allah. I surrender. 

Alhamdullilah. Allah knows best.

15^th   Rejab, 1433 (5^th June, 2012) was indeed a day of great and extraordinary blessing for us. Nonetheless, we only come to realize of its special blessing much later in time after a heartbreaking and painful experiences of a lifetime.  It was the day that Allah swt. had bestowed us with a child, the third in the family, a beautiful lovely boy we named Amru Fateh Bin Mohd Ashik. Our precious Amru Fateh is a very special child. He is a child that Allah had predestined to be an occupant of heaven. It has never crossed our minds that one day we will be presented with a child of heaven as a member of our family.  What a life altering present it turns out to be. 

The last night.

We stayed back at the ward that night; it was to be the very last night that I and Ashik were to spend with Amru here in this transitory world.  We were depressed.   I was feeling everything. Never had I felt so mix up in my whole life up to the stage that I myself was not sure of what was going on inside of me.  Mostly I felt so humbled, so limited with the whole situation.  My son is so sick and I can’t make him even a slight better, even the doctors can’t.  Only Allah can.  But will Allah? Will Allah make Amru better? I am here now.  I am at the point of my life where I feel completely and utterly under Allah’s power and will.  I have reached that level of total vulnerability where I realize a lot of things, amongst all   - I am so incapable.  At this instant I totally comprehend the meaning ‘Laahaulaa walaaquw-wata il-laabillahil ‘aliy-yil ‘adziim’.  I am desperately waiting for Allah to make Amru better. The waiting is killing.

 “Oh Ya Allah, please will You make this child better. You know how much I wanted for my son to continue living, to get well and return home with us.  You know how much I wanted to take care of him, to love him, to raise him.  Please will You let me, Ya Allah. Please will You let this beautiful and heavenly child be with me his mother Ya Allah.  I love him tremendously Ya Allah.” I begged and prayed, soaked with more tears, tears that have been so easy flowing since he existed in my womb.

That night we were beside him most of the times. He continues to deteriorate.  Hours before he will wrap my finger firm every time I place it in his palm. I take it as an indication from him that he wants to stay on with us. Now he just let my finger be. He had gone very weak. The illness had worn him up.  Still I sense his fighting spirit. He continues to fight for his life, but not so much for himself I feel, but more for us - his parents.    That tormented me even more.

Alhamdulillah. Allah knows best.

Subuh finishes.  Ashik had to leave for home.  One of us needs to see how Hessa and Asma coping at home.  It had to be Ashik, I cannot and will not leave Amru, I must be with him all the time.  In all sadness Ashik had to bid him goodbye. I know he wants to stay on with his son but he had to give in to me, how could he make a mother leave her critically ill baby.

I was all over him, I am quietly inconsolable. I pleaded over and over again to Allah.  I promised Amru more things. Promised him that I will become a better servant of Allah, a better mother to him and his sisters,  promised him that I will pray at the earliest time, will be a more patient person, more grateful, more kind, more of everything. I will change a whole lot as a person just Allah please gives me the chance to raise you Amru, I said.

Nonetheless I am more than aware that I am only borrowing Amru from Allah.  If Allah wants him back I have to redha.  Hence, every so often in all heaviness I kept on telling him ‘ it’s okay , Amru, it’s okay,  whatever it is its okay.” I wanted to reassure him that although I desperately want him to stay on with us but if he must leave us it’s okay. I will not blame him for leaving us.  I know he tried and suffered enough.  We will submit to Allah’s will.  “Just you wait for me there, my son,” I said. 

I cried and cried, and this time the tears just feel like something else.   It went pouring out from my eyes and seems like it will continue to do so forever.  I never cried like this.  I think the tears are trying to tell me something.  That the angels are drawing in near to take Amru away for me. It is some sort of a preparation phase or me.  I guess I needed to cry that much so that in the very near hour when I had to face the bitter truth that Amru is no longer here and when I need to partake in the last services that we were to give him in this world  - his burial, I will be more composed and calm.    And thanked God I was.

The last hour.

The nurse came, asked me to give her some room, she needed to perform her routines on Amru. With heavy heart I had to move away from Amru.  Take a look at him for a while, feeling utterly devastated at the sight of him in a very poor health and decided that it is better to wait outside the ward while the nurse performs her job.  As I walked out the ward a sense of defeat creeps into me.  I am going to lose him I thought. But then I subsequently feel the opposite.  No, he will definitely stay on. This is a bizarre puzzling feeling.

We were thinking if we redha if Allah were to take Amru away from us why do we still hope for him to stay on with us?  We feel guilty, one - towards Allah, are we actually not really redha? Two – towards Amru, are we being selfish? Maybe Amru continues to fight for his life although he is suffering just because of our wishes and hopes?

Now we come to understand that when we hope for Amru to stay on we are just being human, being normal parents. Normal parents will hope to see their child grow up and be a good people.  I don’t think any normal parents would hope for their child to pass on.  We are only normal thus we hope for him to always be here with us.  Being redha and hopeful might seem to contradict one another but it is the right thing to feel at the same time.

The defining moment.

I waited outside the ward for the nurse to finish her work.  From the ward corridor I looked up to the sky yet again.  How enormous and brilliant the sky is and how small and insignificant the person that is me. Standing up, feeling so utterly small,  looking up to the sky I prayed again to Allah. I never felt this close to Allah.  I am so thankful that in my desperation for Amru I was given the good fortune to experience such closeness to Allah.  Here I prayed for His mercy and for Him to provide us with the best of taqdir, in all humbleness I declared to Allah that I will leave everything to Him. I will accept anything and everything from Him. I know He knows best.

Shortly after I looked on my right and saw a specialist walking towards the ward.   It didn’t occur to me that she is here to perform her last attempt on Amru.   She enters the ward. I get a grip of myself and went to the entrance door of the ward.  It is a glass door. I want to go into the ward to be beside Amru again.  But I am prevented from doing so.

From the glass door I saw Amru is surrounded by the specialist, medical officers and the nurses. They are performing some work on him.  They looked somewhat serious.  I was slightly surprised at the situation and at the same time having a feeling of understanding that this is something that is not going to be good for me. I decided to stay on at the glass door and watched Amru from there.  I shouldn’t go in I know, even if I go in to be near Amru the staff will surely asked me to wait outside.  Overly concern mother is no help to them.  I remember watching everything and keep telling myself to be ready for anything, “be ready Faznita, be ready….”.

Sadly their attempt was not successful. So here I am beside my dearly loved son as he approaches the last few minutes of his life.  I continue to whisper the zikir Laillahaillallah in his ear and hold on tight to him as I possibly can. And here is where I stop. I couldn’t continue with the experience in further detail.  Just that when the medical officer in charge confirmed Amru is no longer I felt so unbelievable. When I did absorbed the reality all I manage to say was Allah Hu Akbar and instantaneously I felt so shrunken with defeat.  If you lose a cup you might be able to try to get the cup again some at other time but in my case I will never be able to get Amru back, not here, not in this dimension of time.  I can only get to be with Amru if Allah finds it fit for me to do so later in some other time and place. 

Alhamdulillah. Allah knows best.

Allah knows best and with His ultimate and supreme knowledge He had decided that what is best for us and for our much-loved Amru for now is to be on separate ways.  We shall remain here in this transitory world until our time is up while Amru the apple of our eye will carry on to a better place.  A place where Allah swt. very well knew that my Amru will be most happy at – His Paradise.  Amru ought to be there, Allah had created him so fine, so blissful that here is not fitting for him.  I realize.

From that last moment until many days passed I was worn out by the feeling of defeat, sorrow and mostly the yearning for Amru.   At present I still have the same feeling but I try to manage it with the promise of Allah that if we continue to do good we will be reunited again with Amru at a much much better place than what it is of this world. So continue to do good I shall. I shall jihad to make myself and my family members be fitted in the eyes of Allah to be with Amru again in His glorious paradise.

I am Faznita your humble and poor servant, Ya Allah.  I succumbed to your decision, Ya Allah.  I will continue to say Innaa lilaahi wa innaa ilayhi raaji‘oon. Allahuma ajurnee fee museebati wa akhluflee khayran minha, (Indeed we belong to Allah, and indeed to Him we shall return. O Allah reward me for my affliction and grant me with something better than it) as what was taught to us by Your messenger Prophet Muhammad s.a.w .  Prophet Muhammad s.a.w has  told us to carry on saying this when we are afflicted by calamity.  I am now afflicted with such great calamity Ya Allah.  The apple of my eye is no longer here with me. Please let me remain strong and calm and please compensate me with something better than what I have lost. 

Some glad tidings.

After I lost Amru I was desperate to find for some consolation from the Islamic point of view.   I managed to capture some writes up on the death of young infants which provided me with some peace of mind.  These are the sentences uttered by the Prophet Muhammad s.aw. whilst he mourns for his dear son Ibrahim, who was breathing his last in his lap.  

"Dear Ibrahim! We can't do anything for you. Divine Will can't be changed. Your father's eyes shed tears, and his heart is sad and grieved for your death. However, I will not say anything which may invite the wrath of Allah. If there had not been the true and certain promise of Allah that we too shall come after you, I would have wept more and become more grieved at the separation from you".   Then the Prophet Muhammad s.a.w turned his face towards the mountain before his and said, "O mountain! If you were as sorrowful as I am, you would certainly crumble into pieces! But we say what Allah has ordered us: (We are the servants of Allah and we will return to Him; We thank Allah, the Creator of the Universe)"

 

Prophet Muhammad s.a.w words above provided great consolation for me. I am pleased to say   that his words describe precisely of my feelings and reactions towards the whole episode with Amru.    Alhamdulillah.

We are an incomplete family.

There use just  to be me and Ashik in the family, along came Hessa and along came Asma. When Amru arrives we feel complete and perfect as a family.  We are the happy family of five we declared.  Now Amru is no longer and the family that we claimed complete and perfect is no more. It goes to show the reality of it all, that in this world nothing is perfect and nothing is fully complete. Taking Amru away from us is how Allah wants to remind us of that.

Thank you.

Throughout our most difficult times there have been individuals who have provided us with the greatest of help, support and prayers.

To my mak, sisters, brother in laws, brothers, sister in laws, nieces, nephews, grand nieces & nephew. -  All of you had shown great kindness and support to us throughout it all.  I will be forever grateful to the help and assistance given.  I actually rediscovered the meaning of family ties and kinship from the kindness that all of you have shown throughout the episode with Amru. 

Frankly I was already having a bit of reservation in the importance of family and its roles as we face so many unpleasant experiences between us throughout the years of being a family member to one another.  But through Amru I found myself corrected.  There will always be differences and tensions amongst family members but that will not stop us from being amongst the first to lend help and support in times of despair and sorrow. I apologize for overlooking on that.  I will be more grateful for having all of you as my family member and I will do my best to return all of you the favor. May Allah bless all of you and may Allah reward all of you with heaven for being a kind family member to another. 

To my mother & father in law, sister in-law, Ashik’s cousin -  God Bless!  I prayed for all of you to be rewarded with the best of rewards from Allah for everything. 

To makchaq & family – There may be no blood relationship between you all and we but the bond is certainly family.  Thank you for everything.  Your kindheartedness and helpfulness makes it much easier for us to face everything.  Your support and encouragement gives us much strength.  Through the hardship we found comfort knowing that you guys will be there for us to do whatever it is that you possibly can to help us through.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.  InsyaAllah heaven awaits you.

To kakteh’s maids – Bibiek Sumi, Dewi & Yati.  You three have helped me lot during the time I cared for my ill father.  Bibiek Sumi especially was a great help during Amru.  I know you all are paid to do your work but I also know that much of the work you do goes beyond the amount of money that my kakteh paid you.  You guys are Indonesian and I am Malaysian but heaven is for both Indonesian and Malaysian.  I pray for Allah to place all three of you in heaven for being such a great help during my times of troubles.  I also pray that Allah bestowed you with happiness here in this world too.  You deserve it, all three of you!  

To Sayeed & Zeenath – You are far but your support, prayers and encouragement somehow made me feel that we are very near.  Hope to get to spend more time with both of you and your family like we use to do and hope I will be given the chance to return you the favor.   You guys are good people and definitely good things will continue to happen to good people like you.  Please let us remain good friends!

To Dr Shankar and Dr Shankri who has been a great neighbor in time of need, I pray for both of you to be blessed with many good things to come.    Your incoming children will most lucky to have such kind people as parents.

To all the doctors, nurses, staffs who have given your effort on Amru, thank you for the effort. May all of you continue to serve your patients well.  Allah will surely reward those who perform their work with sincerity, patience and focus.  To Dr Thong, thank for showing kindness and helpfulness not only towards Amru but also towards us his parents.  Your kindness has made it possible of us to think of positive things from our experiences at the hospital which are mostly filled with grief and sorrow in the remembrance of our sick Amru.

To some friends who have shown concern and provide some support and prayers – You know who you are and I will always remember who you are.  I will give it my best to maintain our friendship and I will give it my best to be at your side in (if) your time in need. Please do know that your show of support has helped to ease the pains and anxiety that we feel.   Thank you and god bless!

To special parents of special children – My special child is no longer.  Please cherish all the moments that you all have with yours (I know you all do).  Do enjoy collecting all the rewards for having the privilege to care for heaven’s very special child.  You are the lucky ones!

    

To parents whom we met at the hospital whilst Amru was there– I know some of you had lost your child like we did and some of you are still caring for your child at home or at the hospital.  It was a privilege to have known all of you.  It was a privilege to have listened to all your experiences and life challenges stories.  Many are facing even more hardship than we do.  From the deepest of my heart I pray for all of you and your child to be in good condition.  For those who had already lost their child, let us continue with our jihad here, our child want us to do well here, they are already waiting for us there.   For those who are still caring for their child, please continue to be at ease, you are collecting so many rewards from Allah for doing those good deeds. InsyaAllah paradise awaits you. 

To my darlings Hessa & Asma - What can I say, I am very impressed with the kind of love, understanding and compassion that both of you showed Amru and us your parents throughout the time we are carrying and caring for Amru.  You girls have shown great maturity much beyond your youthful age in facing the testing time we had with Amru.   I felt so blessed that both of you were with us at all times, every step of the way throughout everything.  You girls were there during the pre natal check-ups, during Amru’s birth, at IJN, at the GH and remarkably although unplanned for was also there at the hospital on the last day Amru was there hence got to accompany me and ayah in the car as we travel back to bring Amru’s body home.   

I will always remember the lyrics of the song that you Hessa sung during our sad journey home. You were all in praised of Amru.   I know you understand the sadness that I and ayah are facing and you try to make things better by singing a sweet song in dedication to Amru.   Asma, you on the other hand kept on looking at me and Amru who was in my arms and repeatedly asked  me whether I am feeling sad. I know you know that I am feeling extremely sad and since you can’t do anything about it so instead you asked me how was I doing.  I will always remember the prayers that you girls made for Amru when he was in my womb.  “Ya Allah tolong jangan bagi Amru sakit jantung, tolong jangan bagi Amru down syndrome” those are the prayers from loving sisters who wanted for their little brother to be well and fine when he emerges to the world.  But Allah knows best my lovely daughters.  Allah knows that Amru in all his conditions will make us closer to each other and will make us more united as a family, insyaAllah.   Until now hardly a single day goes by without either one of you mentioning Amru.  And I pray that Amru will always be there in your minds and that remembrance of him will become a reminder to both of you to continue with the jihad to enter Allah’s paradise.  Let us all continue to pray that we will be reunited again with your little brother Amru there.  Remember I love you both tremendously.

To Ashik my life partner - you have been a great partner of life throughout it all.   I will treasure every second of the experience that we both shared from having and caring for Amru.  Thank you for giving it your best. Thank you for accepting my limitations and weaknesses.  I wasn’t all great through it all, I know, but I have given in my best I think you know.  There will always be hard times in our life and marriage that’s for certain (I do pray that Allah will make it easier for us from now on though).  For all the hardship to come I pray for both of us to maintain strong and steadfast as we have with Amru.  I pray to be with you, the girls and Amru again in Paradise.  I pray that our experiences with Amru will continue to change us for the better.   Let us not waste this special experience given to us by Allah by letting ourselves to continue with our weaknesses and wrongdoings. May Allah be with us always.  Love you sayang.

And most of all THANK YOU ALLAH! Thank YOU so much for Amru. 

NOTE:

Our son Amru Fateh died of klebsiella pneumonia infection with underlying congenital heart disease in failure at the NICU ward, Seremban General Hospital.  Arwah was already diagnosed with a serious heart condition  - large AVSD and the risk of being down syndrome when he was in my womb. 

LAST NOTE: 

I have delayed for so long to upload about arwah Amru Fateh in this blog of mine.  I was initially undecided whether I want to make an update about his lost in this blog.  I did not update elsewhere about this huge loss. Those update in fb was initially made by some other caring parties. I am someone who is quite detached when it comes to matter that is painful to the heart.  Furthermore I know it will be so difficult and heartbreaking to write about Amru.  But then again I don’t feel right to continue with this blog without making any updates about him here.  How can I not write about a person that is so meaningful to me, that is a part of me whereas I have written so much about the other three here. So I decided to take time to write about Amru here.   After a long and hard effort I finally manage to complete this write-up. Please take it easy with it.  If you find weaknesses in it, it is from me. If you find some goodness it in, it is from our Lord, Allah the utmost supreme.  Thank you for reading.